“No man is an island entire of itself.” John Donne wrote this in 1624. Simon and Garfunkle sang this three and a half centuries later: “Hiding in my room, safe within my womb, I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries.” What one says explicitly, the other says implicitly. The message is the same: no one can live, and thrive, without intimacy and interpersonal connections. Social needs and connections are essential to the happiness and well-being of any person; in the fast-paced, high-pressure world, intimate connections are more important than ever before – but they are also more difficult to maintain. Why?
While intimacy can, and often does, refer to romantic relationships, it can also be applied to virtually any close relationship. A friendship or a connection between siblings, for instance, can be intimate. What really defines intimacy is not the actual relationship between the people (couple, parent/child, etc.) but the sense of closeness, support, and belonging that accompanies the connection. Relationships like these are of the utmost importance, not only because they enrich our lives. Research has shown that married couples enjoy better health and a longer lifespan than single people. Children who have strong intimate connections have greater levels of self-esteem and are better equipped to maintain these relationships later in life. Those without this contact, though, have higher levels of low self-esteem and even depression.
The easy part is knowing intimacy and interpersonal connections are important; the more challenging part is establishing and maintaining these relationships. Many researchers and experts posit that media and technology are making it more difficult to have intimate relationships. MIT professor Sherry Turkle argues this in her book, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other. We are being robbed of valuable face-to-face contact because of our continual connectivity. We are able to maintain surface relationships, both online and off, without having to pay attention. Instead of calling our friends to tell them good news about a promotion, for instance, we update our Facebook status and tell all 500 of our close, personal friends.
Technology cannot be blamed for every intimacy woe. In fact, it can be very positive for relationships, particularly among people who are too shy or lack the confidence to initiate face-to-face connections. Social media can give them an in, help them break the ice, so to speak. More than 800 undergrads at the University of Michigan participated in a study on this topic, and researchers found that those students who used Facebook enjoyed more “social capital” than there non-Facebook counterparts, and that they reported higher levels of psychological wellbeing.
But it is also true that digital connections can hinder our offline relationships and move us further away from intimacy with friends, family, and partners. Turkle writes of a 2 year-old who visits her 82 year-old great-grandmother in the nursing home. Edna, the octogenarian, is given a My Real Baby doll. She thinks it an absurd question when she is asked whether she thinks the baby is alive. But, yet, she tends to it when it starts to cry, patting it gently. When the real-live toddler starts whining, Edna ignores her.
There is a similar example: Roxxxy, a robotic “girlfriend,” can alleviate loneliness, but it can also keep people from exploring real relationships. In each of these instances, the common theme is “Why do I have to struggle with real people when I can get what I need via technology.” With no fussing, no contrary opinions, no arguments, no chance of rejection – but no chance of love, connection, intimacy, or reciprocity of feeling. Technology, even with all its contrived dramas, is much more manageable than interacting with a real person face-to-face.
It is too easy to say that intimate relationships suffer because of technology. That’s not always true. Some studies find that they can strengthen relationships: when technology is used together, for instance, couples can increase their “intellectual intimacy.” When couples are separated, tools like Facebook and Skype provide that intimate contact, and when people lack the confidence to initiate face-to-face connections, they can begin online. But there is also a darker side. Technology can lead you towards people in the ether and away from your real live connections. It distracts, it sucks up time, it helps you avoid conflict, thereby never allowing real intimacy to develop.
Intimacy and interpersonal connections are complex; technology does impact these relationships, but how it does so varies wildly from person to person. There is no substitute for human caring, compassion, love, and understanding, but perhaps being online provides that for some people.
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