Once you understand how jealousy works it is reasonably simple to start the process of letting it go, it does take focus and a strong desire for change, however, letting go of jealous feelings is very possible.
Simply put, jealousy is trying to control another person so they don’t do things that make you feel uncomfortable, for example; if he looks at other women this fires off unwanted emotional reactions in me based on beliefs about my own shortcomings or low self esteem.
Envy is different from jealousy; jealousy usually involves three people, whereas envy is more about wanting what others have or desiring a certain lifestyle or physical attribute.
In relationships, when we focus on jealousy nearly always the cause of the emotional problem is a lack of self-confidence or poor self-esteem, which initiate a set of beliefs about who we think we are.
Beliefs about ourselves that are formed throughout our lives can often be erroneous or out of date, perhaps a teacher once said “no one will ever like you” or if we were rejected in a relationship, these events can instil self-beliefs that can seriously affect our self-worth.
Whichever way you look at it – it boils down to the same thing; “I don’t like it when they do that thing, it makes me feel bad, so, if I stop them from doing it, then I’ll feel OK” sure, it makes sense, but it is a terrible strategy if what you are looking for in your life is calmness, self-respect and happiness.
For a partner of a jealous person there are usually three options available, firstly, they can ‘nip it in the bud’ by encouraging their partner to get some help. Secondly they could just ignore it and hope it will pass (usually it just gets worse though).
The third strategy is normally the worse one (for both parties) this is where the innocent party modifies their behaviour to appease the jealous partner, perhaps by purposely avoiding the opposite sex or stopping frequenting places, events or people that stimulate the jealous fears.
If you can, step away from this last strategy because no one wins, the sufferer will find new and ever more complex ways to be controlling and test your love to appease their insecurities and you will become angry and frustrated by not making them happy no matter what you do (or don’t do.)
So, if you are suffering from jealous feelings in your relationship you will need to begin by taking a long look at yourself starting with exploring your self esteem, how do you feel about yourself? Do you compare yourself unfavourably with others? What don’t you like about yourself?
Most people find that they have many self beliefs about who they are, how loveable they are and make huge assumptions about what others are thinking about them, often these assumptions are completely erroneous.
There comes a time where you may say enough is enough and look to get some form of therapy or coaching for your low self-esteem and so you can begin to trust yourself (and others) again.
There is an uncomfortable sadness to jealous feelings; it’s as if the person is saying “I need you, without you I can’t cope.” Please don’t stop loving me. I can’t manage on my own.
If you begin to see this you’ll recognise that it is time to begin to love yourself more, respect yourself more. Find the old out of date beliefs that are causing your low self-esteem and change them, take back control of your own life, stop being the victim.
The goal is to recognise that happiness and love start within, they are not external, when love is within it doesn’t matter what others do because you already have your self-respect, others just append to it, intensify it and you are in control.
And here’s the catch, most people with low self esteem might not believe this to be true and so stay stuck in the same destructive emotional cycle, perhaps it’s time to get a little help learning to love yourself?
Learn more about Overcoming Jealousy. Stop by John Glanvill’s site where you can find out all about Letting Go of Jealous Feelings.